Jenn's Blog

It's taken me forever to sit down and blog about this book because I feel like I could write a book about it!!

Before you read my thoughts, I encourage you to read the review that hippiemommy.com wrote. http://www.hippiemommy.com/2007/01/08/the-proverbs-31-woman/ Be sure to read the last section where she talks about the author's views on the term "help meet". Very good stuff, in my opinion.

Here are a few highlights from the book and my thoughts on them (in no particular order).

Chapter 5: Worker

"Even though, throughout most of history, women did not enjoy equality with men either religiously or politically, they did have the means to support themselves by producing a service or product. But woman's work changed radically when cottage industry was wiped out suddenly by the Industrial Revolution. Those who had made a living at home in the family business were now forced to work in factories....From this point onward woman's work became a torment to her. Now she must choose, if she could, whether to work at gainful employment or stay home to care for her children and other dependents."

I think this is a great explanation of why so many women feel pulled in 2 directions. Many women struggle with staying home or working. I felt a sense of relief in reading this because other trains of thought try to make women feel guilty for even considering not staying home. I think this shows that women are not "wrong" for wanting to do something that brings financial security, recognition, and is a creative outlet. Many people, particularly Christians, seem to think that women are only good for staying home and having babies and being completely dependent on men, but, as this book points out, that's not historically correct and, as far as I can tell, there's no basis for that in the Bible.

"A major reason why those farm women from my childhood were so different from other women is that they had not yet been robbed of their importance as workers. They knew their value and gained respect and self-worth from it. They also were more satisfied persons because of the natural pleasures and satisfactions they derived from their work. Of course, there is no such thing as woman's work and man's work. There is only work, and whoever can do it should be able to do it. It's time we retook our lost position as proud, competent, good workers - even workers who can support themselves, who are not so dependent that they cannot make a living on their own."

All this may sound like she thinks that all women should get right out into the work force and leave homemaking behind, but that's not so. Instead, she has a different approach, which I find refreshing.

"Much of the satisfaction my childhood's farm women received from their work came from knowing that it was needed. Their work was essential, and they were valued because it was. Now much of that work can be done more easily and quickly by machines. This has caused a decrease in job satisfaction. It isn't as creatively satisfying to go to the market and pick up a dozen eggs as it is to hatch the chickens, feed them, raise them to laying size, hear them cackle and sing, pick up those eggs in your basket, admire the scenery on the way back to the house, and then have a few extra eggs to sell at the end of the week besides."

I think this is a great point. I think part of the reason women feel so torn between working outside the home and staying at home is that our society really does not value SAHMs (stay at home moms). Deep down a lot of people think of it as a nice idea, or a luxury, or a convenience (and for some it is!) and it's not hard to see why. As Gundry points out, for most things that women used to do (and were valued for) there are now cheap knock-offs. Why bother learning meal planning and prep skills when you can go down to the local grocery store, throw a lb of hamburger, a box of Hamburger Helper, and a can of peas in the cart and call it dinner? Why bother keeping a neat home when the prevailing attitude is "A clean home is the sign of a wasted life"? Why bother raising kids when they can be put in daycare or preschool where they'll be "educated" by "professionals"? At first glance, it doesn't seem that SAHMs have anything to bring to the table.

But I think the tides are slowing turning. I think (hope) that more people are coming to see that staying home can add a lot to the quality of family life.For instance, as we are being more and more educated on nutrition, our eyes are being opened to the fact that prepackaged, processed and take-out foods aren't healthy - cooking from scratch is starting to be seen as something more than a frivolity.

Add to the fact that now SAHMs have a world of opportunities open to them. There are a vast array of clubs, groups and organizations that help connect moms. There are an abundant supply of activities for SAHMs and their children to participate in. Libraries and the internet allow us to read/study on any topic we choose. Online classes make it easier to get degrees. Many women have their own home-based businesses or work part-time on the evenings or weekends...This silly notion that becoming a housewife or SAHM is a life sentence of drudgery, depression, and dependency is out of date!

One more thing about the Industrial Revolution and how it's changed family life - and this is just my observation - I don't think it's been a great change for men either. When cottage industry was the norm, families worked together. No, they weren't working side-by-side all day long, necessarily, but I believe there was more interaction on the part of the fathers. Children, male children especially, started working (and thus interacting) with their fathers on a regular, if not daily basis. Especially in their pre-teen, teen, and young adult years. Now days we see exhausted husbands and fathers collapse on the couch after a long day at the office and a frustrating commute. Most of the child-raising is left to women. I think we all suffer because of it.

I also think, that in the Cottage Industry days, women didn't feel like the workload was so unbalanced because BOTH partners worked full days. Men didn't come home, eat dinner, and then doze in front of the tv all evening. Men and women were partners when it came to work - often working from sun-up to sun-down. There was none of this "well, I put in my 8 hours today so I'm free to do what I want" attitude. The work may have been different for the sexes, but it was balanced.

Chapter 4: Beyond Manipulation

This was an amazing chapter that I think all women should read. Hippiemommy blogged about this chapter so I'll try not to repeat what she said. To me, the things that stood out were the points about how manipulation is so hurtful and disrespectful to men. Many women probably don't think that the word "manipulative" describes them. But they would be wrong. Another word for some types of manipulation might be "babying".

"It is not doing a man a favor to deceive him, even in seemingly loving ways, "for his own good.". It is not doing good and not harm....."He did not want to know the truth. He wanted to be protected from anything he did not like. He actually wanted a pretend wife, not a real person. If you are already in such a situation, you will have to reeducate the man in your life, not yourself only. Begin by being genuine and honest. I'm not, by the way, advocating tactlessness, I'm talking about plain old openness and fair dealings."

"I like to think that loving a man means, among other things, that I will not treat him as less important than I am. To treat a man as someone who needs the wool pulled over his eyes for his own good or for you to be able to get along with him doesn't say much for him or for the wool pullers taste in men either."

"When we consistently give more than we get in a relationship, we tend to compensate. We expect more or take more from the other person in little ways, or unconscious ways, to even the balance of the scale."

"The chronic self-sacrificer harms herself by not being fair about meeting her own needs and giving her life the importance it deserves. And the self-sacrifice is probably less kind and selfless than she thinks because of unconscious compensation."

"...whenever two people meet, they immediately begin to educate each other about what both are like, what they will allow and what they will not. This education is all on an unconscious level. But we soon understand that with some people we may not joke, or we must be careful not to ask certain things of them, because we somehow know it wouldn't fit with them. They have educated us to know that. ...we inevitably educate everyone in our lives as to how we are to be treated."

There is a submissive wives forum that I sometimes poke around in and, more often than not, I'm really saddened at the stuff I see going on in these women's lives. I think a lot of them really believe that they are being respectful and considerate of their husbands, but in my eyes, they are coddling them. There's no respect or dignity in that. These particular women are afraid to ask for what they want, need, and deserve. They are afraid to ask that their husbands, the leaders of their families, step up to the plate and be held accountable. And I see a LOT of subtle manipulation that is disguised as being submissive and "helpful". I honestly don't see that either partner benefits.

Chapter 11: Home Skills

"What's more noble or exciting about stapling pieces of paper together or typing on a typewriter than making a kitchen clean and neat? I can't see any superiority in the office myself. ..an awful lot of office work is just plain boring, more boring than cleaning the kitchen. ...in our money oriented society, things you don't get paid for aren't' valuable. We have noting to show for our time but the clean kitchen, which will not last, and nobody will notice anyway.

We can reeducate ourselves to some extent to be realistic about our work, to value it more fairly for its actual contribution rather than its commonly perceived worth. We can raise our work status for ourselves. If we value it , we make a beginning toward a higher valuation of both us and our work by others as well."

The quote about the office work really hit home to me since I used to work in an office. I liked my former job. I really liked the people I worked with, but she's right - there's nothing more "noble" about it.

Chapter 17: The Best Clothing (talking about dignity and strength)

"It also involves having the courage to know the truth about yourself and the world and making your peace with that truth. It is living in reality and being willing to to deal with it, not shrinking back into neurosis or emotional dependence. We can all use our woman strength and our personal resources to become strong, stronger than we know, stronger than we are right now. The potential is there."

On contributing to the dignity of others, especially children:

"The vast majority of children are exposed to demoralizing, dignity-destroying treatment repeatedly during their growing-up years."

"I regularly see some mother berating her child in a shopping mall or store here in my area. The poor kid will be verbally humiliated in public and often slapped as well. The offense usually appears to be minor and perfectly normal, especially for some overtired, hungry child. But since it is a child, the mother (or father) think nothing of the public abuse."

"We can reach out and encourage strength and dignity in others or feed it to make it grow by affirming them as worthwhile persons. We can give them the gift of respect and honor for no other reason than because they are unique human beings."

Chapter 19: When She Opens Her Mouth

"It's as simple as this: those who can't fight with their fists learn to fight with words. We develop skill with the weapons we have. We also pick up the skill by observing the skilled practitioners who precede us. It is often passed from mother to daughter with success."

"Words may not break bones, but they can break hearts. And ruin careers, and separate friends, and besmirch character. Words can go with you all your life."

"We women have access to people when they are most vulnerable and thus most impressionable. Children are with us more than with men. We wake children, put them to bed, care for them when they are sick, feed and bathe them. We see their naked souls when they are sad and hurt and lonely and scared. We can share their joys and sorrows. We have opportunities to build and teach with words that most men do not have."

Final thoughts from Gundry:

"Some books for women encourage them to want less for their lives in order to be satisfied and fulfilled through an auxiliary relationship with a man. I do not believe that will ever work.......I believe that to be a whole and complete as a woman, to be fulfilled, if you want to put it that way, you must use all your resources. I also believe God knew this when he made us. And that is why he created us fully human."

"Being strong the way the Proverbs woman is strong is being a quality person through and through. It is being who you are, all the good things, all the positive things, letting none of them slip away or remain unborn. Any woman can be this kind of strong, because we all have the potential."