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On Becoming BabyWISE? Our Ezzo Story
04/27/05
On Becoming BabyWISE? Our Ezzo Story
It may seem strange that I haven’t told our Babywise story yet. Especially since I was interviewed on TV regarding the book and our negative experience.
This story is a hard one for me to write. We have friends who have used the book and I don’t want to hurt the feelings of anyone we love. And there is my pride, too.
A common argument of a pro-Babywise, pro-Ezzo supporter is:
“This book worked great for us! Anyone who has a problem with it didn’t read it correctly/didn’t follow it closely enough/followed it too closely.
Of course, statements like these imply that negative experiences happen only to the naïve or stupid. How could I have been so blind? I have struggled with that for a while now.
Before our son was born, my husband and I researched many aspects of childbirth and childcare. We were proud of how hard we worked to gather information in order to make sound, educated decisions.
We discussed vaccinations, circumcision, natural childbirth, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and much, much more. We felt well-informed and secure in our research and the decision-making we had done.
Fears and Doubts
Like most parents-to-be, we were anxious about how this new little person would change our lives. We worried about our schedules, our hobbies, our friends. Would we get enough sleep? Would we ever have time to ourselves again?
A friend loaned me a copy of Babywise and I was immediately intrigued. It was unlike anything I had ever read before. After all, who wouldn’t want a baby who sleeps through the night at 6-8 weeks? Who wouldn’t want a child who is obedient, respectful and fits right in to the parent’s schedule?
What Babywise and Ezzo Believe
Babywise is more than a book, it is an entire parenting philosophy.
Babywise says (among other things):
1. Babies should eat no more than every 3-4 hours. http://www.ezzo.info/Aney/aapmediaalert.pdf
2. Babies should be sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/connection.html
3. Holding a baby too much, and attending to a baby when it cries, will spoil it. http://www.ezzo.info/Articles/tyler.htm
There are many more, but since these are the ones that affected my family, I’ll stop there.
The core belief of Ezzo and Babywise is:
You are controlling your child or your child is controlling you. The parent-child relationship is either “child-centered” or “parent-centered”.
Babywise tends to see typically non-control issues or behaviors as means to manipulation. The book tries to steer parents clear of using any maternal or parental instincts and to instead focus on the techniques of the book.
With every stroke of the pen, Ezzo strives to remind parents that they must not “give in” to their babies. Otherwise they will forever be “subject” to their children. He encourages parents to exert control of their babies by placing them on strict schedules.
Babywise leaves very little room for individualism. It seems to forget that babies are human beings, not robots waiting to be programmed.
How This Effected Us
Life with our newborn son was very difficult. He didn’t sleep well. He ate often and was very leisurely when he did eat. He was constantly fussy and crying and wanting to be held.
In my Amazon.com review I stated that we were ALMOST sucked in by Babywise, but looking back, we were very much sucked in. My whole thought pattern and outlook was affected by this book.
Every time my son would cry to be held I would worry that he was manipulating me. I felt tremendous anxiety every time I “gave in” and held or nursed him. In short, I felt like a failure as a parent.
I was worried about how my inability to control him would affect him as a child/adolescent/adult. Was I ruining my baby?
I hated how weak I was. I hated to admit how much his crying affected me – tugged at my heartstrings. According to the book, I had to be strong and just do what was best for my child. Why was I having such a hard time with this? Didn’t I want to be a good parent? Didn’t I want a well-behaved baby?
While I didn't put my son on the strict feeding schedule that the book recommends, I did give him a pacifier in order to try and stretch the time between feedings, instead of simply feeding him when he was hungry. I lamented the fact that my son was so "needy".
The final straw came when my son was a few months old. Exhausted and riddled with guilt at how weak-willed I was, I decided it was time for my son to sleep through the night. I placed him in his crib and walked away.
I could hear his screams from my bedroom down the hall. I sat looking at the clock, each moment feeling like an eternity. I watched the time tick by.
Occasionally, I would go to my son and try to comfort him. He would have none of it. He wanted his mother. His screaming didn’t quiet.
I found myself crying along with him, sobbing on the floor of his nursery. After over an hour my heart finally won out.
I stopped crying. I walked over to the crib and lifted my precious son into my arms. Then we walked out of the nursery and away from Babywise.
Still Struggling
I wish I could say it was as easy as that to rid myself of Babywise. Unfortunately, it took a long time to completely change my way of thinking. I had to do a lot more researching and soul searching. I had to change the way I thought of my son and how I viewed our relationship.
A blessed friend of mine gently suggested I research Ezzo and Babywise. I did so and was completely appalled at what I found. I felt sick to my stomach as I spent day after day reviewing first-hand testimonies and medical advice against Gary Ezzo and his Babywise techniques.
Blessings
We found out that our son was suffering from a dairy allergy and reflux. Once these issues were addressed, life got much easier. I truly feel that Babywise was a roadblock to my son being diagnosed with these problems earlier in his young life. We were so worried he was trying to “manipulate” us, we weren’t thinking clearly.
Freedom from the Ezzo way of thinking has been hard-won. But I can honestly say it was worth it.
I no longer feel anxiety about my parenting. I know I don’t have it all figured out, and that’s okay. Nobody does. I now know that parenting must involve the heart and instincts as well as the head. That has made all the difference in the world.
I truly, honestly enjoy our son now. I hold him when he wants to be held, play with him when he wants to play, feed him when he wants to eat.
Parenting is everything we thought it would be. It’s exhausting. It’s messy. Our schedule is chaos with mayhem thrown in.
And we cherish every moment of it.
Links and A Final Thought
For more info on the Babywise/Ezzo controversy:
www.ezzo.info
www.awareparent.net
http://christinemoers.blogspot.com/
http://www.tulipgirl.com/
http://www.tulsakids.com/july-1.html
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babysleep/8369.html
http://ourworld.cs.com/kent1750/GKGW/complete.htm?f=fs
http://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/exposes/ezzo/ezzokids.htm
www.yellowroseblog.com
or simply type ‘ezzo’ in the google search
I know that not everyone wishes (or is able) to parent the way we feel led (attachment parenting). I simply wish to encourage parents to do their research so that they can make well-educated decisions. It’s something every child deserves.
This story is a hard one for me to write. We have friends who have used the book and I don’t want to hurt the feelings of anyone we love. And there is my pride, too.
A common argument of a pro-Babywise, pro-Ezzo supporter is:
“This book worked great for us! Anyone who has a problem with it didn’t read it correctly/didn’t follow it closely enough/followed it too closely.
Of course, statements like these imply that negative experiences happen only to the naïve or stupid. How could I have been so blind? I have struggled with that for a while now.
Before our son was born, my husband and I researched many aspects of childbirth and childcare. We were proud of how hard we worked to gather information in order to make sound, educated decisions.
We discussed vaccinations, circumcision, natural childbirth, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and much, much more. We felt well-informed and secure in our research and the decision-making we had done.
Fears and Doubts
Like most parents-to-be, we were anxious about how this new little person would change our lives. We worried about our schedules, our hobbies, our friends. Would we get enough sleep? Would we ever have time to ourselves again?
A friend loaned me a copy of Babywise and I was immediately intrigued. It was unlike anything I had ever read before. After all, who wouldn’t want a baby who sleeps through the night at 6-8 weeks? Who wouldn’t want a child who is obedient, respectful and fits right in to the parent’s schedule?
What Babywise and Ezzo Believe
Babywise is more than a book, it is an entire parenting philosophy.
Babywise says (among other things):
1. Babies should eat no more than every 3-4 hours. http://www.ezzo.info/Aney/aapmediaalert.pdf
2. Babies should be sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/connection.html
3. Holding a baby too much, and attending to a baby when it cries, will spoil it. http://www.ezzo.info/Articles/tyler.htm
There are many more, but since these are the ones that affected my family, I’ll stop there.
The core belief of Ezzo and Babywise is:
You are controlling your child or your child is controlling you. The parent-child relationship is either “child-centered” or “parent-centered”.
Babywise tends to see typically non-control issues or behaviors as means to manipulation. The book tries to steer parents clear of using any maternal or parental instincts and to instead focus on the techniques of the book.
With every stroke of the pen, Ezzo strives to remind parents that they must not “give in” to their babies. Otherwise they will forever be “subject” to their children. He encourages parents to exert control of their babies by placing them on strict schedules.
Babywise leaves very little room for individualism. It seems to forget that babies are human beings, not robots waiting to be programmed.
How This Effected Us
Life with our newborn son was very difficult. He didn’t sleep well. He ate often and was very leisurely when he did eat. He was constantly fussy and crying and wanting to be held.
In my Amazon.com review I stated that we were ALMOST sucked in by Babywise, but looking back, we were very much sucked in. My whole thought pattern and outlook was affected by this book.
Every time my son would cry to be held I would worry that he was manipulating me. I felt tremendous anxiety every time I “gave in” and held or nursed him. In short, I felt like a failure as a parent.
I was worried about how my inability to control him would affect him as a child/adolescent/adult. Was I ruining my baby?
I hated how weak I was. I hated to admit how much his crying affected me – tugged at my heartstrings. According to the book, I had to be strong and just do what was best for my child. Why was I having such a hard time with this? Didn’t I want to be a good parent? Didn’t I want a well-behaved baby?
While I didn't put my son on the strict feeding schedule that the book recommends, I did give him a pacifier in order to try and stretch the time between feedings, instead of simply feeding him when he was hungry. I lamented the fact that my son was so "needy".
The final straw came when my son was a few months old. Exhausted and riddled with guilt at how weak-willed I was, I decided it was time for my son to sleep through the night. I placed him in his crib and walked away.
I could hear his screams from my bedroom down the hall. I sat looking at the clock, each moment feeling like an eternity. I watched the time tick by.
Occasionally, I would go to my son and try to comfort him. He would have none of it. He wanted his mother. His screaming didn’t quiet.
I found myself crying along with him, sobbing on the floor of his nursery. After over an hour my heart finally won out.
I stopped crying. I walked over to the crib and lifted my precious son into my arms. Then we walked out of the nursery and away from Babywise.
Still Struggling
I wish I could say it was as easy as that to rid myself of Babywise. Unfortunately, it took a long time to completely change my way of thinking. I had to do a lot more researching and soul searching. I had to change the way I thought of my son and how I viewed our relationship.
A blessed friend of mine gently suggested I research Ezzo and Babywise. I did so and was completely appalled at what I found. I felt sick to my stomach as I spent day after day reviewing first-hand testimonies and medical advice against Gary Ezzo and his Babywise techniques.
Blessings
We found out that our son was suffering from a dairy allergy and reflux. Once these issues were addressed, life got much easier. I truly feel that Babywise was a roadblock to my son being diagnosed with these problems earlier in his young life. We were so worried he was trying to “manipulate” us, we weren’t thinking clearly.
Freedom from the Ezzo way of thinking has been hard-won. But I can honestly say it was worth it.
I no longer feel anxiety about my parenting. I know I don’t have it all figured out, and that’s okay. Nobody does. I now know that parenting must involve the heart and instincts as well as the head. That has made all the difference in the world.
I truly, honestly enjoy our son now. I hold him when he wants to be held, play with him when he wants to play, feed him when he wants to eat.
Parenting is everything we thought it would be. It’s exhausting. It’s messy. Our schedule is chaos with mayhem thrown in.
And we cherish every moment of it.
Links and A Final Thought
For more info on the Babywise/Ezzo controversy:
www.ezzo.info
www.awareparent.net
http://christinemoers.blogspot.com/
http://www.tulipgirl.com/
http://www.tulsakids.com/july-1.html
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babysleep/8369.html
http://ourworld.cs.com/kent1750/GKGW/complete.htm?f=fs
http://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/exposes/ezzo/ezzokids.htm
www.yellowroseblog.com
or simply type ‘ezzo’ in the google search
I know that not everyone wishes (or is able) to parent the way we feel led (attachment parenting). I simply wish to encourage parents to do their research so that they can make well-educated decisions. It’s something every child deserves.
10 comments
Comment from: Victoria [Visitor] · http://homeschoolmomtips.blogspot.com
I am a Christian and an attachment parenting, homeschooling mom and former psychiatrist. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. I believe stories like yours, not just preaching against Ezzo, are what are going to make parents realize the cruelty and lunacy of the Ezzo approach.
04/30/05 @ 23:54
Comment from: Dogwood Blue [Visitor] · http://hannahim.blogspot.com
I too am a Christian and a mother. A pastor's wife gave me "Babywise" just before my son was born. I was appalled by it. Fortunately, I had already carefully read several different parenting books and determined that I would follow an attachment parenting philosophy.
Your story is needed to help others to see the dangers in Ezzo. Thank you for having the courage to speak.
Your story is needed to help others to see the dangers in Ezzo. Thank you for having the courage to speak.
05/04/05 @ 02:21
Comment from: Christine [Visitor] · http://www.christinemoers.blogspot.com
Love your post. Just visit my blog address above to read my abbreviated story.
05/05/05 @ 18:08
Comment from: Clint [Visitor] · http://www.dadventure.ca
I have a great deal of respect for you. To revist such a painful time for our benefit takes a great deal of courage. All the best.
05/06/05 @ 00:12
Comment from: Cheryl [Visitor] · http://www.knoxknoxwhosthere.blogspot.com
Thanks for your story. If you want positive encouragement concerning the importance of of the *need* for parents to be attached and attuned to their infants, I would suggest reading either _Scattered Minds_ or _When the Body Says No_, both by Dr. Gabor Mate. Dr. Mate is not a Christian, but he does a wonderful job in explaining the neurological development of infants and children and the importance of parents being attuned to their babies when they are little in order for them to properly develop -- something that Gary Ezzo never seemed to factor in, in his terror of being manipulated by a child.
BTW, I came here via Tulip Girl's blog, if that matters.
BTW, I came here via Tulip Girl's blog, if that matters.
05/10/05 @ 14:06
Comment from: Jane [Visitor]
Thanks for sharing your story! It was very encouraging to hear. I have lost friends over this as they strictly scheduled their babies and I didn't. I feel they were so "into" it that they thought I was being sinful for meeting my child's needs when he cried. I wouldn't argue with them about it, and I didn't tell them they were wrong, but they just couldn't get past the fact that I wouldn't see it as the only biblical way to raise a child. We homeschool and it has saddened me that this is becoming "the thing to do" in alot of homeschooling circles. God Bless you as you raise and enjoy your child.
05/14/05 @ 21:55
Comment from: Valerie [Visitor]
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
As a new mom with a 12 week old, I understand how new mothers are bombarded with information, as I was.
I was encouraged to have a hospital birth (possible c section) but denied it & had my baby at home with a midwife and no medication.
After babies birth, I chose to let my son create his own schedule (which babies do easily) instead of trying to schedule him myself.
I feel that babies DO NEED A SCHEDULE but will easily and willing create them by themselves.
Every day I follow a set schedule, that my beautiful baby boy has set.
Is he the center of my universe? Yes.
Will he always be the center of my universe? No
If I imposed upon him a strict schedule, would he respond...doubtful.
Would I want him to? NO
If he wakes every 3 hours, he needs me.
Im gladly there for him.
I take each day, one day at a time.
I do not worry about if he will be spoiled when he is 3 yrs old.
I just want each moment with my child....now.
Whever im right or wrong, this is my child and I will go with my intuition.
My intuition doesn't allow me to let him"cry"
As a new mom with a 12 week old, I understand how new mothers are bombarded with information, as I was.
I was encouraged to have a hospital birth (possible c section) but denied it & had my baby at home with a midwife and no medication.
After babies birth, I chose to let my son create his own schedule (which babies do easily) instead of trying to schedule him myself.
I feel that babies DO NEED A SCHEDULE but will easily and willing create them by themselves.
Every day I follow a set schedule, that my beautiful baby boy has set.
Is he the center of my universe? Yes.
Will he always be the center of my universe? No
If I imposed upon him a strict schedule, would he respond...doubtful.
Would I want him to? NO
If he wakes every 3 hours, he needs me.
Im gladly there for him.
I take each day, one day at a time.
I do not worry about if he will be spoiled when he is 3 yrs old.
I just want each moment with my child....now.
Whever im right or wrong, this is my child and I will go with my intuition.
My intuition doesn't allow me to let him"cry"
05/19/05 @ 02:58
Comment from: heather Sykora [Visitor]
Thank you for telling your story. I also have a distressing and sad story with babywise and my second baby. It is hard to be honest and withstand others criticism. Thank you for doing so!!
Hopefully this will encourage and understanding of the importance of an infants life.
Heather
Hopefully this will encourage and understanding of the importance of an infants life.
Heather
05/19/05 @ 16:53
Comment from: AH [Visitor]
I'm struggling to use Babywise, but I know MANY parents who used it easily and harmlessly and their babies sleep through the night, are very happy kids, developmentally sound and normal, and their parent's have calm lives. I know this doesn't work for everyone, and as I said, it's hard for me; but it DOES work for many people. Also, one thing that critical people say about the book that is not true is that Ezzo encourages a "strict" schedule. That's not actually true. He says over and over "if your baby is hungry, FEED HIM." He never recommends not feeding your baby when they are hungry. This is a common misconception. Anyway, these are my thoughts.
04/24/06 @ 21:11
Comment from: Jennifer [Member] 
AH,
Thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts. If you are struggling with Babywise I really, really encourage you to keep doing your research. If you haven't been to ezzo.info and tulipgirl.com, I encourage you to do so - you'll find a lot of great info.
I think one of the problems many parents have had with the ezzo materials is the conflicting information. You are right, he does say to feed the baby when it's hungry, HOWEVER, he also spends a lot of time warning parents not to let the baby manipulate them. He doesn't hold "mother's intuition" in very high regard. These are the types of things that are confusing to many Babywise users. I believe that's one of the elements that leads to so many of the heartbreaking stories that we hear of.
I'll leave you with this thought: in the news interview there was a wonderful ped. that cautioned parents against Babywise. He likened it to putting your baby on the dashboard of your car - many babies may very well survive and some may even thrive - but it's dangerous so why take the risk?
Jenn
Thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts. If you are struggling with Babywise I really, really encourage you to keep doing your research. If you haven't been to ezzo.info and tulipgirl.com, I encourage you to do so - you'll find a lot of great info.
I think one of the problems many parents have had with the ezzo materials is the conflicting information. You are right, he does say to feed the baby when it's hungry, HOWEVER, he also spends a lot of time warning parents not to let the baby manipulate them. He doesn't hold "mother's intuition" in very high regard. These are the types of things that are confusing to many Babywise users. I believe that's one of the elements that leads to so many of the heartbreaking stories that we hear of.
I'll leave you with this thought: in the news interview there was a wonderful ped. that cautioned parents against Babywise. He likened it to putting your baby on the dashboard of your car - many babies may very well survive and some may even thrive - but it's dangerous so why take the risk?
Jenn
04/24/06 @ 21:26
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